Donald Trump | Joe Biden

All the Things President Joe Biden WON’T Do

He’s a real, normal human being who’s not a narcissist

Donald Trump and Joe Biden
Both images by Gage Skidmore

With Donald Trump’s four-year reign of self-centered governing coming to an ignoble end, let’s take a quick look at the shameful, mortifying things Trump did. Because these are all things that Joe Biden most certainly will not do. (Since he’s a human with a conscience and honor and integrity.)

Understand: I don’t know Joe Biden. I can’t say with certainty what he will or won’t do as President of the United States. But given that he’s an actual human being who’s not a narcissistic psychopath incapable of empathy or remorse… And he’s not a psychotic cult leader who tries to create his own reality so that what’s true and what isn’t are indistinguishable…

I think it’s safe to say that President Joe Biden will not do any of the following utterly demented things.

He Won’t Be Selfish, Self-Focused, or Self-Absorbed

Trump’s modus operandi has been, from the beginning, to look out for number one. To see to his own survival and success at all costs — even if it means destroying others.

  • Mr. Biden won’t prize loyalty to the point that he’ll fire every single person he believes to be disloyal. People like the Director of the FBI, Secretary of State, Secretary of Defense, Chief Strategist, soldiers who testify against him at a hypothetical impeachment hearing, and so many more.
  • He won’t declare war on the media, relentlessly trying to discredit them— turning his sights particularly on the ones who criticize him.
  • He won’t complain about the election he’s already won.
  • He won’t claim to have made no money at all during his time in office, while illegally earning around $2 billion by trading favors with foreign lobbyists and national business executives, Secret Service agents who stay at his hotels at high prices, and much more.
  • He won’t use a migrant caravan of oppressed South Americans from Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador as a political weapon for midterm elections. He also won’t refer to them as “an invasion.”
  • He won’t grossly mismanage the nation’s response to a pandemic, leading to 240,000 American lives lost and counting. He won’t ignore science by refusing to wear a face mask — and therefore setting the example his supporters would follow — or holding “super spreader” events. Such as one that would infect at least 13 at an ill-advised Rose Garden event celebrating the confirmation of a new Supreme Court Justice. An event that would directly infect at least a dozen attendees, and spread to countless others, including at least 34 White House staff members and employees.

He’s Not a Pathological Liar

Every other word that comes out of Mr. Trump’s mouth is a lie. Or at least, it feels that way. If he doesn’t like something, he just changes it on the spot.

You have to give him this: the man is a master of deflection. If someone accuses him of a specific kind of wrongdoing, his very next act is to accuse that person of the exact same thing.

Remember the Access Hollywood bus and the vulgar recording that leaked from it? Talk about a scandal! Two days later at his next presidential debate against Hillary Clinton, he brought a few women with him who had accused Bill Clinton of sexual impropriety years earlier. What is that if not a blatant, obvious, pathetic attempt at deflection?

  • Mr. Biden won’t lie on the record at an average of 15 times a day — far more than any other President since such things were tracked. (At the time of this writing, Trump has made more than 22,000 proven-false statements during his time as President.)
  • He won’t use cult leader tactics to convince his supporters that he’s the sole source of the truth and everyone else lies because they’re out to get him.
  • Biden won’t vent his anger on Twitter with nonsense so outlandish that that Twitter has to sensor him for posting false information.
  • He won’t create or latch onto any conspiracy theory that makes him look good and/or his enemies look bad, despite there being not one shred of evidence. Such as accusing his predecessor of not having been born in the United States, or wire-tapping his offices.
  • He won’t try to rig an election and invent lies of voter fraud with no evidence whatsoever.

He Won’t Suggest or Use Idiotic Ideas

Because Trump has no filter between his brain and his mouth, he’s been known to propose some rather… absurd notions. And that’s putting it politely.

By the time he addressed the United Nations in September of 2018, he was such a joke that delegate members laughed openly at him.

  • Biden won’t suggest that we destroy a hurricane with a nuclear weapon.
  • He won’t try to buy Greenland.
  • He won’t think that injecting bleach into the human body might be a good idea to combat a deadly plague.
  • He won’t create a new branch of the military that sucks up Federal money and resources in order to protect America from dangers that do not exist.
  • He won’t change the hurricane track on an NOAA map with a Sharpie. (I feel bad for that Sharpie. Imagine how violated it must’ve felt afterwards.)
  • He won’t invite athletes to a White House dinner and then serve them fast food.
  • He won’t threaten nuclear war on Twitter.

He Won’t Be Cruel

  • Biden won’t endorse the separation of children from their immigrant parents and keep them in cages, with no plans for how to reunite parent and child.
Kids in cages
  • He won’t withhold financial aid to American territories devastated from natural disasters. Such as Puerto Rico’s incalculable damage from Hurricane Maria, for which he would offer no sympathy, and refuse to provide federal aid because the island’s leaders weren’t fans of his. (Only to relent and send aid three years later because the 2020 election was two months away.) Pretty sure he won’t be tossing paper towel rolls like footballs into a crowd made up of disaster survivors, either.
  • He won’t call developing, third-world nations “shithole countries.”
  • He won’t mock the handicapped, or victims of assault.
  • He won’t call veterans “suckers and losers.”
  • He won’t encourage police brutality.
  • He won’t blame California for an outbreak of West Coast forest fires, instead of offering sympathy to those who’ve lost their homes and more.

He‘s Not a 70-Something Manchild

Petty, petty, petty. You’d think a man in his seventies would have developed some level of maturity by now. Think again.

  • He won’t engage in a petty war of words with a 16-year-old.
  • He won’t spend 22% of his four-year presidency playing golf (almost 300 days), after criticizing his predecessor’s golf-playing (which comprised a paltry 3% of his eight years in office). Biden also didn’t make a campaign promise to never play golf at all.
  • He won’t sow constant discord in America, never exhibiting an iota of interest in trying to unite the nation.
  • He won’t revoke the press credentials of a reporter just because he doesn’t like the questions the reporter asked him. He won’t later release a doctored video that falsely makes it look like said reporter pushed an intern away from the press microphone. (Jim Acosta’s credentials were eventually restored by the Trump press office, and the video debunked as a painfully obvious edit.) He likewise won’t cry “fake news!” when he gets a question he doesn’t like. And when given the chance to offer comfort and sympathy to the American people for their fears of a pandemic, he won’t inexplicably whine to the reporter that it was a “nasty question.”
  • He won’t exaggerate the size of his inaugural crowd just to stroke his fragile ego.

He Won’t Have Dangerously Zealous Supporters

Good lord, where to even begin… Trump’s most dangerous supporters are such redneck stereotypes, frankly they scare the rest of us just by existing. He’s also big among the white supremacist crowd, anti-immigrant enthusiasts, and pretty much anyone who hates political correctness. He’s the anti-politician of their dreams.

An angry redneck Trump supporter
  • Biden’s supporters won’t wave opposition or Confederate flags in big ol’ pickup trucks, and try to run his election vehicles off the road. And he won’t cheer them on.
  • He’ll show no interest in nor offer encouragement for conspiracy groups like Qanon.
  • He won’t encourage his supporters to openly attack his enemies at public events.
  • He won’t praise an angry Congressman for body-slamming a reporter.

He Won’t Engage In Questionable Executive Decisions or Activities

From day one — scratch that, from before his election — Trump has believed that there are no rules that apply to him. He sees himself as special, above petty concepts like laws and regulations, and able to do whatever he wants. He considers himself to be above all others, the most important person in the world. (Classic narcissistic traits.)

But his ego requires constant praise. This is undoubtedly why he continued holding election rallies immediately after he won. And why he loves them so much; he can be himself, no holds barred, and receive unending applause for it.

  • Biden won’t pardon criminals who happen to be his billionaire buddies.
  • He won’t siphon funds from the Pentagon for a pet project, such as an ineffectual border wall that’s only 18% complete and definitely not paid for by Mexico.
  • He won’t wait months to appoint his Cabinet members—and then choose individuals who have little to no prior experience in their departments. Biden will instead recruit experts in their fields, and he’ll do it quickly.
  • He won’t antagonize our allies while fostering buddy-buddy friendships with our enemies.
  • Neither he nor members of his family are likely to use executive powers for business and financial gain, or patents, in countries such as China and Japan.
  • He won’t give the prestigious Presidential Medal of Honor to an extremist radio show host who spends all of his time insulting the President’s enemies while singing the President’s praises.
  • It’s doubtful that Biden will break the record for government shutdowns at 35 days (two weeks longer than the previous record holder).
  • He will contribute to environmental protection, helping prevent or slow climate change (looking at you, 2020’s record-breaking number of hurricanes). He will restore our membership in the Paris Agreement.

He Won’t Ignore the Rule of Law

There’s believing you’re special, and then there’s outright committing crimes. Of which Trump has committed so very many.

Speculation has it that he’s engaged in so much criminal activity as President that he’ll face endless lawsuits and even the very real possibility of prison time, once he’s out of the Oval Office.

  • Mr. Biden won’t break clearance protocols to rush through confirmations for family members’ advisory roles. Because there will be no nepotism in his administration.
  • He won’t dodge or cheat on his taxes.
  • He and his staff won’t engage in hundreds if not thousands of violations of the Hatch Act.
  • He won’t forbid anyone to testify against him, should he be impeached, including himself.
  • He won’t endorse or call for boycotts of various companies or products, as that is a direct and intentional violation of Executive Branch Ethics Regulations.
  • He won’t refuse to denounce his advisor’s use of private email, despite endlessly attacking his political rival for the same thing. (That was Ivanka, in case you didn’t know.)
  • He likewise won’t ignore an advisor’s use of a public forum (WhatsApp) to communicate with foreign leaders. (Jared.)
  • He won’t help Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman cover up the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, a murder that bin Salman was found to be guilty of according to CIA findings.
  • (This one’s pre-election, but still relevant, I think.) Biden never raised funds for a charitable organization that benefits U.S. veterans only to keep the donations for himself. Nor did he or would he have allowed this criminal activity to continue for many years. Nor did he schedule a televised fundraiser event at the exact same time as a GOP debate that he was revenge-boycotting because he was feuding with the debate moderator, Fox News’ Megyn Kelly.
  • He won’t request that foreign governments, most notably Ukraine, investigate his opponent for dirt that would affect the outcome of the 2020 election, as well as supporting conspiracy theories about his opponent. (Not only did Trump ask for foreign help in investigating his political opponent, he withheld U.S. military aid to Ukraine in order to get the Asian country’s cooperation. This was the last straw that led to his impeachment.)

He Won’t Cosy-Up With Vladimir Putin and Russia

Nobody’s entirely sure what the deal is with Donald Trump and Russia. It could be related to Trump’s business projects in the former USSR. Maybe Putin really does have Trump in his pocket. Maybe they’re actually blackmailing Trump because of the legendary “pee-pee tape.”

Who knows? For whatever reason, Trump and Putin are best buds, and don’t try very hard to hide it.

  • Biden won’t collude with Russia for any reason (another instance of Trump ignoring the rule of law; see above).
  • He won’t publicly encourage Russia to meddle in an election.
  • He won’t accidentally share state secrets with visiting Russians in the Oval Office. (There’s always the possibility that it wasn’t an accident. My money’s on the “no filter” thing; he thought about those secrets and was stupid enough to let them fly out of his mouth. Probably thinking he could impress the Russians with his knowledge.)
  • He won’t sit in a room alone with Putin and talk for an extended period of time with no records of what they discussed.
  • He won’t ignore bounties placed on U.S. soldiers by Russia.

He Won’t Be Blatantly Racist and Misogynistic

All those “bad hombre” rapists, drug dealers, and killers… the very fine people on both sides… the Proud Boys who are standing back and standing by… President Obama was not born in the United States…

Tip of the iceberg. Trump has demonstrated anti-black racism, Islamophobia, hatred for Hispanics. Some of this is generational prejudice, some of it is fear-based. Whatever you want to call it, he touched a nerve — both for his most racist fans and the races he condemned.

And don’t even get me started about how he treats women…

  • Mr. Biden won’t hesitate to denounce white supremacists, including Proud Boys, David Duke, KKK, or Neo-Nazis when asked point-blank.
  • He won’t strongly endorse a controversial politician who’s been charged with many incidents of misconduct, including allegations of child molestation.
  • He won’t openly mock Congresswomen, particularly those he perceives as being from other countries that they “should go back to.”
  • He won’t show racist or misogynistic attitudes toward black and/or female journalists.
  • He won’t mock female Senate Judiciary witnesses, such as Christine Blasey Ford, at Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearings.
  • He won’t institute a travel ban on nations that are largely Muslim, reinforcing GOP fears of The Other “until our country’s representatives can figure out what the hell is going on.” (The White House refused to call it a ban on Muslims at first, until a journalist pointed out that there was an official Trump statement “On Preventing Muslim Immigration” on Trump’s website. Over time — some of the bans expired after 90 days — four Executive Orders placed bans on 13 mostly-Middle Eastern countries.)
  • He won’t try to discharge transgender soldiers from the military, and prevent new transgender individuals from signing up.

He Won’t Take Part in Obscene Scandals

“Inappropriate” doesn’t even begin to describe Trump’s shenanigans. The man is a sexual predator at best; at worst he’s an idiot who tells more sex jokes than that guy on The Office.

  • It’s safe to say Mr. Biden won’t brag about sexually assaulting women by “grabbing them by the pussy.”
  • He won’t stand in front of the American people and talk about the size of his penis.
  • He won’t pay hush money to porn stars.
  • He won’t talk to a large audience of Boy Scouts about sex.
  • 26 women aren’t accusing him of sexual assault.

Ah, remember all these good times? I had actually forgotten several of them. History won’t forget them, though. Thank God.

Hi. I’m Robin Parrish, and I’m the one to blame for the unconventional collection of words you just read. Read more of my hair-brained stuff right here.

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Unlikely warrior fighting invisible illnesses and visible human stupidity. Storyteller by trade, ninja by imagination. Sports above-average beard.

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